Why Me?

You may be wondering at this point, ‘But why me?’ It’s an important question. Other people are exposed to similar environments and circumstances, if not the same. We all have a dopamine system, a subconscious, and a higher brain. They aren’t susceptible to alcohol dependency. Why not?

Addiction is complicated. There’s a lot going on: environment, genetics, neurobiology, culture, childhood development, and on it goes. It’s not feasible to pin down any one reason; everyone has unique circumstances. Ultimately, you’ll be the best judge of this one, and it’s worth exploring this question. You may never come to a solid conclusion, but you will gain valuable insights in the process. Introspection will help you understand yourself and why you do what you do.

In my case, I believe that hypersensitivity plays a significant role. While searching for answers, I stumbled across a book called The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron.⁶ In a nutshell, her thesis is that around 20% of the population has a personality trait of high sensitivity. This trait is characterised by increased sensitivity to external stimuli, deeper processing of information, and heightened emotional responsiveness. Yep, that’s me.

The trait has been proposed as an evolutionary adaptation that may benefit the group rather than the individual. Highly sensitive people may serve as ‘canaries in the coal mine.’ They act as an early warning sign that all is not well in the environment, and the group needs to be wary of danger. The flip side of this is that some are not particularly sensitive. They are less acutely aware of potential danger and push the group’s boundaries in search of new adventures.

Whether this is accurate or not, I’m not sure, but it made a lot of sense to me. The implications in terms of addiction seemed to be twofold: firstly, the euphoric and numbing effects of alcohol are more pronounced and attractive to me than they might be to someone else; and secondly, any subconscious programming I was exposed to was amplified by my inherent nature to feel emotions strongly—emotion being the language of the subconscious.

Understanding this was a game-changer. It wasn’t that I was inherently defective or at fault for being unable to pull myself together. My life simply wasn’t positively oriented for someone with these characteristics. The trait is neither good nor bad. It just is what it is. The input comes in, it’s amplified within me, and a bigger version is acted out in my life. For most of that life, I had exposed myself passively and actively to a discordant mess. I hadn’t put anything harmonious or wholesome into my mind or body. So, why would I expect a harmonious and healthy life? It’s very simple: garbage in, garbage out. And for me, that relationship is very tightly linked—more so than most others.